Reasoning Theorems of Success

Friends share their lives with each other. You swap stories, laugh at silly jokes, and discuss tough issues. Whether it’s before death or after, no issue is tougher than grief. “Close
friends can make the critical difference in our coping with grief,” writes Judy Tatelbaum in “The Courage to Grieve.”

You want to help your friend, but may not know how to go about it. Where do you start?

Helen Fitzgerald, Training Director of the American Hospice Foundation, thinks you start with preparation. You review your own grief experiences and how you felt at the time. You also become familiar with the grief process [including anticipatory grief]. “Helping a bereaved friend is hard work,” says Fitzgerald, so you need to pace yourself.

Now on to the “tried and true” suggestions.

BE DECISIVE. “One of the mistakes we make is asking people in deep grief how we can help them,” notes David Kessler, Director of Palliative Care for Citrus Valley Health Partners in the Los Angeles area. But your friend may be so lost in sorrow that he or she doesn’t know what is needed. Kessler’s solution is to “step in and help.”

BE PRACTICAL. Offer to help with daily tasks, such as watering plants, mailing a package, and buying pet food. You may also offer to grocery shop, baby-sit kids, make phone calls, and prepare meals. Appetite wanes when someone is grieving so if you prepare meals fix plain food and package small servings in freezer cartons or bags. Label all cartons.

BE AVAILABLE. Because your friend is stressed and preoccupied you will have to spell out the ground rules. “Call me before 8 a.m.” “Email me any time.” “I’ll be the car pool driver next week.” Write these things on a sticky note and put it on your friend’s refrigerator. Remind your friend of these arrangements.

BE ACCURATE. When you’re helping a grieving person it’s important to “use the correct language,” according to Helen Fitzgerald of the American Hospice Association. Fitzgerald says you should avoid the word “passed” when speaking of post-death grief and use the word “died.” With anticipatory grief you may use words such as “close to the end,” “near death,” and “dying.”

BE A LISTENER. The National Mental Health Association says you help a grieving person by encouraging them to talk about their feelings of loss. The gift of listening will help your friend to ventilate, identify feelings, and see things more clearly. Ask prompting questions to help your friend reminisce about his or her dying loved one. Your listening may also serve as a reality check.

BE PATIENT. It may take a long time for your friend to come to terms with reality and impending loss. That’s why the National Mental Health Association says you need to be patient. You may hear the same stories over and over again and that’s okay. Obviously your friend needs to tell these stories and he or she has chosen you.

BE ACCEPTING. Bettyclare Moffatt writes about accepting friends in her book, “Soulwork.” There was a time when Moffatt got caught up in a “pity party” and cried uncontrollably over her losses. Though Moffatt expected rejection from her friends their reaction was the opposite. “They took me just as I was,” Moffatt writes. You may do the same for your dear friend.

BE SOCIAL. Your friend may be in so much pain that he or she pulls back from social contacts. Isolation is no friend of grief. Social contacts help your friend to stay in touch with the world. Chances are your friend doesn’t want to keep all social contacts, but you can encourage him or her to keep a few. Arrange to attend events together and provide transportation.

BE HONEST. If you think your friend is depressed or needs professional help, be honest and say that. “Don’t hesitate to recommend professional help when you feel someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone,” advises the National Mental Healh Association. You may offer to get information on support groups and bereavement counselors.

According to an old saying, “A friend in need is a friend in deed.” Your friend needs you now. Still, you need to be aware of your needs and take care of yourself. You want to be ready for the day when you and your friend swap stories, laugh at silly jokes, and celebrate life together.

Copyright 2005 by Harriet Hodgson

http://www.harriethodgson.com

Harriet Hodgson has been a nonfiction writer for 27 years and is a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists. Her 24th book, “Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief,” written with Lois Krahn, MD is available from http://www.amazon.com A five-star review of the book is also posted on Amazon.

Several years ago, I was doing the night shift in a gasoline service convenience store. I was working with another clerk. It was that sleepy time of the morning between 4:30 and 5:30. This is the time of the night shift where you are most likely to fall asleep or micro nap on your feet. It was also a quiet time for customers when the produce and cold drink cooler could be restocked. The temperature inside was usually just above forty degrees. I hoped that the cold inside would help me wake up.

The cooler was divided into a milk section on the far right. Then came juice to the left. In the middle was a small meat and cheese section. Left of the produce was a sports drink section. Last of all on the far left was the soft drink section. First, I started filling up the milk section which had various sizes to be filled. The plastic crates holding four of the large size of milk are quite heavy to move. After filling the milk section up the remaining crates were restacked and the empty crates were removed.

Moving on to the juice section was faster. I could grab glass juice containers from a storage shelf and restock the display. Sometimes condensation that formed on the glass bottles of juice. That must have happened again. While lifting a small bottle of juice up to place it on an upper shelf the bottle slipped from my hand. In a split second, I knew that cleaning up the juice and broken glass on the floor under the shelves would take too long. I made an instant decision to grab the bottle as it fell in mid air to stop it breaking when it hit the floor. As I grabbed the glass bottle, it hit one of the shelves on the way down. The glass bottle broke in my hand as I clutched it. Right away, I felt the warm wet feeling of blood on my hand and the bite of the glass inside my thumb. I was pouring out blood. Quickly I pulled out the piece of glass from my thumb. Somewhere I found some paper towel and covered my bleeding thumb. I clamped my good hand around the paper towel and thumb. Applying pressure helped slow the loss of blood.

Leaving the cooler, I found the other clerk. I told her about being cut badly. Just by chance, there was a taxicab at the store then. The cabby was kind enough to drive me over the bridge one street away to the nearby hospital.

I was going to need stitches in my thumb. The doctor was called at home to come to the hospital. It took twenty minutes to half an hour for him to arrive. While waiting I started to feel a bit light headed so laid down on an examining table. When the doctor arrived, he had a look at my cut and confirmed my suspicion that it needed stitches. The soft fleshy pad of my thumb where the finger print usually is was hanging by a small piece of skin.

The doctor injected my thumb in several places to freeze it before starting the sewing. I think he put in about ten to fifteen stitches. I did feel the needle going in and out of the skin. That was nothing compared to when the freezing wore off. The wound screamed at me, releasing pain for hours that day. After the doctor finished sewing me up he said to go home and rest. He suggested not going to work for a couple of days.

There were nerves that were cut in the thumb. It took years before they grew back in place and started working. Until then the thumb pad had no feeling. It was completely numb.

From that I learned not to catch falling bottles. It is much easier to clean up a little glass and juice.

Michael Russell
Your Independent guide to Safety