Reasoning Theorems of Success

Every aspect of life is a series of ups and downs. You have summer and winter, day and night, work and play.

You clean the house and all of a sudden the dust has built up again. The laundry is clean and then you look and the laundry basket is full again.

You get a job and you may lose it. You fall in love and then back out of love. One day may be full with energy, another full of challenge just to get out of bed.

That is the dependability of life; it is full of ups and downs. How you handle them is up to you. It is easy to deal with the ups in life. They are enjoyable and inspiring at times.

You anticipate with excitement the prospect of an upcoming trip. You will have time off from work. You are visiting a destination you have never seen before with lots to do and see. You absorb every minute of the trip and it flies by. The day comes when you awake to find it is the last day of vacation. It’s time to return to the job, the house and the day to day activities. You have just experience the up, the vacation, and the down, returning to every day life.

Would you have missed the up of the vacation just not to experience the possible down of retuning to everyday life? Probably you would not have. You know that a day or two back into your everyday life and you will be back on track. Life will have leveled off a bit until the next up and down cycle.

There is a popular saying when challenging times appear. “This too shall pass.”
Well this is just as appropriate when the wonderful things of life come. Life has ebb and flow to it. It is never static.

So how does one approach the ups and downs of life?

1. When you are in one of the up times enjoy it, absorb it and learn from. Affirm to yourself that you are truly deserving of good things and stay present to what is happening.

2. Do not project onto the future with thoughts of “this is too good to be true, it’s going to turn bad any moment.” Don’t waste time trying to look for signs of a down time approaching. Definitely be aware of your surroundings but looking for demons when they are not there wastes time and energy.

3. When you realize you are in one of the down times of life, a lost job, a failed romance, or even just a plain old singing the blues kind of day, take solace. You have experienced good times before. That is your best evidence that you will experience them again.

4. Take a realistic look at the situation. Are there adjustments you can make? Can you take steps to regain your equilibrium? In the most basic cases you just may need to take care of the cleaning, shopping or laundry again. In a tougher case you may find your self updating a resume or brushing up on your networking skills. Assess and correct wherever possible and then take a breath and try to relax.

5. Remember that experiencing a down time in your life does in no way mean that you are living a bad life. You are not a victim nor do you have a black cloud over your head.

6. Step back and take an overall view of your life. The greater majority of folks asked will acknowledge that their lives have contained a mix of ups and downs and that they have learned from both perspectives. It is in experiencing the downs of life that we gain greater enjoyment from the ups in life. In experiencing the ups of life we gain the assurance that we can withstand whatever the downs in life may bring.

As a child I was very introverted, often spending my time on the computer, reading, playing video games, or pursuing other solo hobbies. I’d spend time outdoors biking, exploring the nearby fields and hills (which today are filled with houses), or shooting hoops, but I’d usually favor doing these things alone or with people I knew very well. I never felt too comfortable around strangers, and I never cared for big family events. Psychological tests like the Myers-Briggs pegged me squarely as an introvert. Anyone who knew me would have described me as an introvert without a second thought.

Like many introverts I was pressured by others to socialize more. But I largely resisted this pressure, partly because I enjoyed being an introvert. I often viewed extroverts as lacking in intelligence and depth, and I can’t say I wanted to count myself among them.

However, over a long period of time, I eventually found myself becoming more and more extroverted. I embraced spending time with other people, went out of my way to meet new people, could comfortably introduce myself to strangers, and actually enjoyed it. The Myers-Briggs test now labels me an extrovert. To the people who know me today, this wouldn’t be surprising.

I’m not the kind of extrovert I envisioned as a child though. I feel I’ve done a good job balancing the introvert and extrovert parts of myself, such that I enjoy both types of activities equally. I feel just as comfortable staying at home reading a book as I do going to a new social event and introducing myself to people I’ve never met. I enjoy both group and solo activities, each for different reasons. Some weeks I’m far more introverted and mostly stay home with my family. Other weeks I have a full social calendar with an event almost every night. I enjoy both just as much.

In order to become an extrovert, I found that I had to overcome several blocks to being more extroverted. Chances are that if you’re in the same boat, you have some of these blocks as well.

Blocks to becoming an extrovert

* Undervaluing extroversion. Spending time alone and with people are equally important. If you’re very introverted, you may undervalue the positive role people can play in your life, such as knowledge, friendship, growth, laughter, and so on. The optimal outcome is to strike a balance between the two. You don’t have to give up the introvert activities you enjoy. In fact, when you balance them with more social activities, you’ll probably find them even more satisfying. After several nights of being around people, I really look forward to a night by myself to read, meditate, write, etc. And after lots of time alone or with my family, I’m itching to go out and be around other people.

* Underdeveloped social skills. Social skills can be learned like any other skill set. One reason introverts shy away from social activities is that they don’t feel comfortable because they don’t know what to do, especially if the unexpected were to occur. Being able to start up a conversation with a stranger AND feel completely comfortable doing it is a learnable skill. The more you do it, the better you get at it. Embrace the fact that you’re a beginner, and don’t compare yourself to others.

* Envisioning yourself as the wrong kind of extrovert. If you find the extroverted people around you shallow and perhaps even annoying, why would you want to be more like them? You wouldn’t. When I was a kid, I really didn’t want to be more like the extroverts I knew. Even as an adult, my vision of an extrovert was an in-your-face salesperson who only wanted to build a shallow relationship with you so they could sell you something. It seemed very fake and phony to me. And of course that vision prevented me from ever wanting to be like that. But you needn’t choose such a limited vision for yourself you’re free to form your own vision of a positive way to be more extroverted.

* Hanging out with the wrong people. Why would you want to spend more time with people you don’t like? If becoming more extroverted means spending more time with people you’d rather avoid, you’ll have no motivation to do it. Again, you’re free to break this pattern and form a social group that you’d love to be a part of.

* Overvaluing online socializing. Online socializing has its place in your life, but it’s a pale shadow compared to face-to-face, belly-to-belly communication. Voice and body language can communicate a lot more than text, and emotional bonds are easier and faster to establish in person. I feel much closer to the local friends I’ve known for only a few months than I do to the people I’ve known online for years but never met in person. It’s just not as fun going out to dinner with a laptop. You don’t have to do away with online socializing, but don’t allow it to crowd out meeting people locally. If you do that, you’ll only cause your interpersonal skills to lag further behind.

If you have some of these blocks and want to get past them, the first step is to acknowledge them and consider how they’re holding you back. Then begin to work on them just as you would any other challenge in your life. Focus your intentions, set goals, make plans, and start taking action. It may be awkward and clumsy at first, but just accept that, and get moving anyway.

Suggestions for becoming more extroverted

Here are some additional suggestions for how to become more extroverted:

* Envision the type of extrovert you’d like to be. What’s your ideal outcome? If you feel too introverted and want to be more extroverted, start by working on your vision of your outcome. Chances are that if you’ve been making little progress in this area, you have a somewhat negative vision of extroverts. When I formed a positive vision of being an extrovert that included building genuine relationships with intelligent people I respect (as opposed to random, shallow socializing), I soon began attracting those relationships. Being a “dumb jock” kind of extrovert still has no appeal to me.

* Think of relationships in terms of what you can give, not in terms of what you can get. If you seek to build new relationships based on mutual giving and receiving, you’ll have no shortage of friends. Identify people with whom you’d like to build a relationship, and start by giving. I’ve found that my geeky knowledge is actually a tremendous strength when it comes to socializing because there are an awful lot of non-geeks who’d like to understand geeky stuff better, and I can explain it to them in ways they’ll understand. For example, I’ve been teaching some local speaker friends about blogging and web marketing, and in return I’m learning a lot from them about speaking, humor, etc. There are many intelligent people out there who’d love to have a geek as a friend. What can you bring to a relationship that will be of benefit to someone else? When you figure out what that is (and it’s probably many different things), you’ll have an easier time attracting new friends into your life.

* Find the right social group for you. Consciously consider the types of people you’d want to have as friends. There’s no rule that says this has to be your peers or co-workers. I actually find myself more interested in making friends with people who are much older than me as opposed to people my own age or slightly younger. People around my age (34) tend to be very career- and family-oriented, but often in a somewhat mindless, socially conditioned way that isn’t centered around any consciously chosen life purpose or belief system. And people in their 20s, while often highly energetic, tend to be largely unfocused… or focused on trivial pursuits that just aren’t that important. So it’s been difficult for me to find people near my age where we have enough in common for a long-term friendship. I seem to have an easier time making friends with people in their 40s, 50, and older. They typically have greater knowledge and experience, more fascinating stories to share, more resources (information and ideas, financial resources, contacts), and a better sense of who they are and what they want to do with their lives. Often I find myself attending social events where I’m the youngest person in the room, but that feels very comfortable and normal for me. Don’t be afraid to stretch beyond the most obvious peer group and hang out with people from different ages, neighborhoods, cultures, countries, etc. You might find the variety to be a lot of fun.

* Play from your strengths. It’s interesting that many introverts have no trouble socializing online. In that environment they’re able to play from their strengths. But you can also use your strengths consciously as leverage to branch out into more face-to-face socializing. For example, after I graduated college, I met a woman on a local BBS (before there was much of a World Wide Web). We got to chatting online over a period of weeks. Eventually we met in person and became friends, and I soon fell into her pre-existing social group through osmosis. My social calendar went from empty to full almost overnight. That woman, by the way, has been my wife for the past 7.5 years. If you socialize online, see if you can’t use that strength to build new local relationships. While people have done this in global forums like online games, I think it’s easier to try it in local forums. For instance, there are message boards for people who’ve recently moved to Las Vegas.

* Join a club. It’s old advice, but it still works. The advantage is that you’ll find people who share similar interests, which makes it easier to build new relationships. One good club can fill your social calendar. For example, through my membership in Toastmasters, I get invitations to lots of other local social events. I don’t go to everything, but it’s nice to get those invites. Plus belonging to an international organization with 200,000 members worldwide creates social inroads around the planet. If you join a club and find that it’s not right for you, quit and join something else. My wife and I have both been through a number of local social groups that just didn’t resonate with us (too boring, too slow, too disorganized, too many alcoholics). But one good group is all you need.

* Develop your social skills consciously. You can learn to become better at building rapport, introducing yourself, keeping a conversation going, asking someone out on a date, feeling socially comfortable instead of nervous, and so on. You don’t need to be shallow and manipulative about it, but genuinely build these skills because it will greatly enhance your life. One approach I find extremely effective is to ask the other person how s/he got started in his/her current line of work. 80-90% of the time the person will say something like, “Well, that’s an interesting story….” And I genuinely like hearing these stories. A small basic set of social skills can go a long way because you’ll get to reuse them every time you meet someone. Whatever skill you’d like to develop, try doing a Google or Amazon search on it, and you’ll probably find plenty of articles and books.

Realize that when you hold yourself back from socializing, you’re not only depriving yourself you’re also depriving other people of the chance to get to know you. How much longer do you want your future spouse or best friend to remain alone?

Here are some follow-up posts that further explore this topic:

1. Improving Social Skills

2. A Question for Introverts

3. Risk vs. Reward in Human Relationships

Copyright © Steve Pavlina

Steve Pavlina
Personal Development for Smart People
http://www.stevepavlina.com
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog (blog)
http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles (articles)

Steve is intensely growth-oriented. He trained in martial arts, ran the L.A. Marathon, and graduated from college in three semesters with two degrees. He can juggle, count cards at blackjack, and make damn good guacamole. Steve is also a polyphasic sleeper, sleeping just 2-3 hours per day and only 20 minutes at a time. So chances are good that he’s awake right now.

Emotional dependency means getting one’s good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is responsible for your emotional wellbeing?

There are numerous forms of emotional dependency:

* Dependence on substances, such as food, drugs, or alcohol, to fill emptiness and take away pain.

* Dependency on processes such as spending, gambling, or TV, also to fill emptiness and take away pain.

* Dependence on money to define one’s worth and adequacy.

* Dependence on getting someone’s love, approval, or attention to feel worthy, adequate, lovable, and safe.

* Dependence on sex to fill emptiness and feel adequate.

When you do not take responsibility for defining your own adequacy and worth or for creating your own inner sense of safety, you will seek to feel adequate, worthy and safe externally. Whatever you do not give to yourself, you may seek from others or from substances or processes. Emotional dependency is the opposite of taking personal responsibility for one’s emotional wellbeing. Yet many people have no idea that this is their responsibility, nor do they have any idea how to take this responsibility.

What does it mean to take emotional responsibility rather than be emotionally dependent?

Primarily, it means recognizing that our feelings come from our own thoughts, beliefs and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional responsibility.

For example, let’s say someone you care about gets angry at you.

If you are emotionally dependent, you may feel rejected and believe that your feelings of rejection are coming from the other’s anger. You might also feel hurt, scared, anxious, inadequate, shamed, angry, blaming, or many other difficult feeling in response to the other’s anger. You might try many ways of getting the other person to not be angry in an effort to feel better.

However, if you are emotionally responsible, you will feel and respond entirely differently. The first thing you might do is to tell yourself that another person’s anger has nothing to do with you. Perhaps that person is having a bad day and is taking it out on you. Perhaps that person is feeling hurt or inadequate and is trying to be one-up by putting you one-down. Whatever the reason for the other’s anger, it is about them rather than about you. An emotionally responsible person does not take others’ behavior personally, knowing that we have no control over others’ feelings and behavior, and that we do not cause others to feel and behave the way they do - that others are responsible for their feelings and behavior just as we are for ours.

The next thing an emotionally responsible person might do is move into compassion for the angry person, and open to learning about what is going on with the other person. For example, you might say, “I don’t like your anger, but I am willing to understand what is upsetting you. Would you like to talk about it?” If the person refuses to stop being angry, or if you know ahead of time that this person is not going to open up, then as an emotionally responsible person, you would take loving action in your own behalf. For example, you might say, “I’m unwilling to be at the other end of your anger. When you are ready to be open with me, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to take a walk (or hang up the phone, or leave the restaurant, or go into the other room, and so on). An emotionally responsible person gets out of range of attack rather than tries to change the other person.

Once out of range, the emotionally responsible person goes inside and explores any painful feelings that might have resulted from the attack. For example, perhaps you are feeling lonely as a result of being attacked. An emotionally responsible person embraces the feelings of loneliness with understanding and compassion, holding them just as you would hold a sad child. When you acknowledge and embrace the feelings of loneliness, you allow them to move through you quickly, so you can move back into peace.

Rather than being a victim of the other’s behavior, you have taken emotional responsibility for yourself. Instead of staying stuck in feeling angry, hurt, blaming, afraid, anxious or inadequate, you have moved yourself back into feeling safe and peaceful.

When you realize that your feelings are your responsibility, you can move out of emotional dependency. This will make a huge difference within you and with all of your relationships. Relationships thrive when each person moves out of emotional dependency and into emotional responsibility.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Can you hear your compassion? It’s time to crank it up.

One of the most difficult challenges we face in our quest to be compassionate is dealing with conflict. Those we love most tend to be the ones most likely to engage us in sparring that cuts the deepest.

Why do we allow ourselves to use our harshest words and most acid tone of voice with the people we love most?

Precisely because we love them most. We’re counting on unconditional love. We know we are likely to be forgiven. We feel close enough to let our true ugliness shine.

Blindingly.

We wouldn’t dream of lashing out at our colleagues at work in this way. That would be way too risky. Instead, we bottle our daily frustration and dump it all over our loved ones when we get home.

Many of my clients struggle with showing compassion for their partners, children and parents when they are feeling stressed. Instead of relaxing into affection, they respond to requests or confrontation with anger.

Most frustrating of all is the fact that, while they are lashing out, they recognize that they are alienating those with whom they most want to feel a connection and find comfort. It’s as though they are watching themselves lob grenades but are powerless to stop.

One of the best–and easiest to remember–triggers for changing behavior is thinking of a particular song phrase. I teach clients to use the “ch-ch-chain” part of Aretha Franklin’s “Chain of Fools” to kick off a remarkably simple visualization exercise that is very effective in diffusing escalating conflict. It’s based on a traditional loving-kindness meditation, but it’s a lot more fun!

Visualize a chain of hearts–an extended valentine, if you will–connecting your heart to theirs. Remember that you are linked by this shared affection.

In our best moments, we do whatever we can to protect our loved ones from pain. If this person had an injury or illness, you would be gentle, soothing and kind, right? You’ve probably spent hours caring for this individual with great tenderness.

Tap into that.

Look at the chain of hearts. Your sharp words slash through that chain like a machete. STOP. Let the words drop away as you focus on that connection. Feel your anger and frustration being replaced by compassion.

“Ch-ch-chay-ay-ay-ay-ain….” It’s hard to stay cranky while mentally chanting the “ch-ch-chain” mantra and visualizing that valentine.

Can’t feel the love? Try another Aretha Franklin song. Instead of focusing on that ch-ch-chain of hearts, dive into “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” and replace that poison in your words with civility.

Not into Aretha? Pick your own song. Let your mental radio play, and use it to crank up your compassion.

[Bah-oomp] Makes me feel like A Natural Woman…

About The Author

Maya Talisman Frost is a mind masseuse offering specialized mindfulness training in Portland, Oregon. Her work has inspired thinkers in over 90 countries. To subscribe to her free weekly ezine, the Friday Mind Massage, visit http://mindmasseuse.com.

maya@mindmasseuse.com

Change is a wonderful thing and can bring a lot of great things with it. However, the process of change can be challenging and frustrating. If given a choice, I think most people would be happy with change if they could forgo the process of getting to the end result. Unfortunately, the journey is a big part of the change. There is no way of getting around the frustrating part of change. The best you can do is deal with it and focus on the great things the change will create.

My favorite grocery store is going through a huge remodeling project and staying open while the change takes place. I have seen some of the benefits of the change already; an olive bar, a wonderful sandwich and soup area, and an expanded offering of organic foods. I am also experiencing the frustrating part of the change as well. As I was doing my weekly shopping, I found myself being surprised each time I turned down an aisle. I have shopped at this store for more than ten years, so I knew where everything was. It was disconcerting to turn down the pasta aisle and find the spice and baking supplies aisle.

I turned down the paper aisle, only to be greeted by cans of soup and salad dressing. I found myself becoming frustrated because I needed to go up and down each aisle a few times to find everything I needed. Indeed, I was not the only shopper frustrated with the change. Over the intercom system, they announced that salt was on aisle seven. The bakery clerk had no idea where my favorite bakery item had been stocked and was obviously frustrated with the change. Logically, I know that the change will be great, but I also understand the process will be less than fun.

Change has to happen. Change is Nature’s way of keeping things alive. Even accepting that change is a good thing, embracing the process can be difficult. It can be tempting to try to hold on to the way things were. However, I have found that, if I can focus on the way things will be and the gift the change will bring, I have less trouble dealing with the process. This focus is not always easy to accomplish, but it does cut down on the frustration.

I wish I could tell you I have found a way to turn frustration into fun, but I haven’t. It took me more than an hour to do my weekly grocery shopping (normally a thirty-minute chore). However, I do know that if you can focus on the outcome, the challenge of the change process can be easier to deal with. Accepting change and understanding that it is necessary and even desired, can also help as you traverse the challenge of change.

Coach Rachelle Disbennett-Lee, PhD, is a Certified Master Coach specializing in working with business owners and professionals in being more profitable and productive while staying sane and balanced. Coach Lee is the publisher of the award winning e-zine, 365 Days of Coaching. Her first book, 365 Days of Coaching - Because Life Happens Every Day (Universal Publisher, 2004) was named a finalist for Best Book 2004 by Publish.com and has a five star rating on Amazon.com.